I will say that one of the strings holding me in this relationship was sex. Sexually he was my kryptonite..my teacher. He held a very strong sexual hold over me. I was relatively niave when we met and he took control of our sex life...I did almost anything he asked. This was the relationship where I had several versions of 3sums, where I learned how to suck a cock proficiently, where I learned how to use my pussy to milk cum out of a cock. I learned a lot, and I've retained most of it! However, as good as were were together in bed...out of bed, we were a mess.
I am a Scorpio and honestly...I'm possessive by nature. What's mine is mine, and I don't share well...so seeing my partner fucking another woman in front of me was more fun for him than it was for me. Honestly, I had visions of pulling her hair and dragging her off his cock, but instead I licked her clit and sucked his balls. I was so eager to please him that I was willing to do things that I didn't feel good about and that should have been my first clue that there was trouble in paradise. However, we thought we were so "in love" that we don't notice that I was the only one that was. I was in love and he was in love with being in control.
In the song from the link...at one point she says "can you release me? That was the mistake I made, I kept waiting for him to release me ...instead of walking out the door on my own. It took 4 years before I opened that door and left and I should have done it 6 months into the relationship. Sometimes letting go is harder than someone letting you go. You have to take your life and relationships in your own hands. Stop waiting for someone to release you...if you need to go..then open the door and leave. When I finally left, I was heartbroken, relieved, angry, hurt...it was a jumble of feelings initially but after a few weeks of sulking around and forcing myself not to drunk dial him...I realized that a new feeling had entered the mix..HAPPINESS!
Starting over after a serious or long term relationship can be damn scary. But, you can't live your life in fear of the unknown...sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and know that there is more for you out there than where you are. I'm not saying its easy..and I'm not saying you can do it in a day or a week..but if you know you aren't where you belong, then maybe its time to start looking at changing that situation.
Once I left that relationship, I entered one where the sex wasn't as acrobatic and experimental..but it was loving and intense and just between us. I left a relationship that was volatile and wild and entered one that was settled and comforting but still adventerous and spontaneous. I realized that I'd been cheating myself out of a true emotional relationship because I was holding on to one that was sexual and I was forcing emotion into it. Relationships shouldn't be about forcing love...or sex ..into it. If it doesn't flow naturally and honestly between partners, then its probably not the right place to be. I also learned the importance of communication...I think I could have ended that 4 yr relationship without all the anger and heartache if I'd been more willing to talk about what was going wrong, and if he'd been more willing to listen when I did talk.
So, everytime I hear that song...I remember a relationship that taught me a lot about sex and a lot about how NOT to let a relationship define me, and to know that no one gets to "release me" because I have two feet and I can leave. So, if you are in a good relationship tonight..then be thankful for your wonderful partner! If you are in a bad one, then realize you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and loved and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Until next time, Happy Fucking!
All pics via Yany's EroticPics
I should have known that my last relationship was just about sex and that was it. It was not about bonding or an emotional relationship.
ReplyDeleteI was hurt and still fell like I am 2 feet tall because of it.
Still starting to learn to live one day at a time and who knows what is arond the corner